Emerson Hart – If you gonna leave

Project 365: Day 4 – Crack The Shutters

I know I’m a bit slow. Snow Patrol released their newest album…erm..last year. Living in Russia with limited internet-surfing option does make one out-dated. Ok, watever. I just acquired their album “A Hundred Millions of Sun” and so lovin’ it esp this song “Cracks the shutter“. Catchy, upbeat (esp the drums) and of course, the lyric. It is a love song, and like all Gary Lightbody songs – it’s down-to-earth but at the same time, it gives you the feeling of being in heaven. It’s about having the real love right beside you….ok watever. My fav songs: Chasing cars > Crack the shutters.

You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble “can you wake me later?”
But I don’t really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn’t stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz’ the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

It’s been minutes, it’s been days, it’s been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz’ the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

Need to save money to buy the album to add into my collections. Snow Patrol…WooHoo!

Finding My Way Again

I turn my head to the east I dont see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone, but that new me will be alright
(T.I ft Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone)

I can’t help but to ask this – what is there left for me to believe in anymore? My life seems to be drifting which I have no control, a life determined by many known and unknown factors in his surroundings. The clear distinction between my surroundings is gone and yeah, I do feels that my ideas and feelings are not really mine; rather, they are brought upon mine.

The many distinctions between good and bad, ugly and beautiful, attractive and repulsive are losing meaning. Because, even the more bizzare suggestions…I can’t help to ask, “Why not? Why not experience something new, good or bad?”

I feel alot share my sentiments but am I the very few that have this need to put these feelings out? And being told to be it back inside me or point to me God…I can’t, not anymore.  There is something wrong with the world and I understand that in order to do something to fix it, it will cost us something personal. It needs our sacrifice even to make the first step. I’m not making any points, actually I don’t even know what I am tryin to point out. Just me, putting my feelings out.

What I really need is to believe again, to have faith in this road I’m on. The old me is dead and gone…that’s for sure. But I’m not sure if  the heart of me is strong to find my way back home.

The predicament of the nuclear man (Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen). The nuclear man no longer believes in anything that is always and everywhere true and valid. He lives by the hour and create his life on the spot. His art is a collage art, an art which, through a combination of divergent pieces, is a short impression of how man feels at the moment. His music is an improvisation which combine themes from various composers into something fresh as well as momentary. His life often looks like a playful expression of feelings and ideas that need to be communicated and responded to, but which do not attempt to oblige anyone else.

Blissful Kissing

Bliss – Kissing

Heard this song from “Sex and The City:Movie” soundtrack. It is one of those songs u think u heard it in some romantic movies or in lounges. It is one of those music that brings out your deeper feelings of hoping to be able to be with someone, someone right just for you e.g. Carrie getting swept off her feet by her Mr.Big. Yeah, I’m a pretty big fan of the series.

 At this age, we keep saying that it is important to be independance, to have self-reliance. Being in relationships or even the thoughts of marriage – begin to feel somehow lower. Some views it as a fulfillment of some sorts (partnerships) - joint accounts to purchase a house, a ’show and tell’ in parties or family reunions, something to occupied the weekends or a proof that we are normal beings in society. I can’t really say or judge in this matter as I’m lack of the experience but does that count? Really? To me, it is simply because among all things, I want it to be a fulfillment of not our human needs but our soul needs. That deep feelings of we are made to share our lives. To be a voluntary witness in someone’ life. To be able to be in the arms of someone you love and enjoy the moments..not thinking of things to say, or is this what I really wanted? What i heard and learnt and feel for myself – it is relatively easy to fall in love for the sake of love, but nothing can point out to you that you are now loving someone. It is a smooth,subtle, active process born from the heart and soul, and it journeys on without being steered. Maybe I’m wrong or just a hopeless romantic, but i would like to think that this is how ”being in love” feels.

So listen to this song, clear your mind and imagine it for yourself…you are in some place open, cozy and comfortable…surrounded by candlelights only n the place is filled with distinctive aroma of roses. Who do you imagine you are with? Maybe there is something to it. I would want to believe that.

My Savior My God

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves my Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God He was, my God He is,
My God He’s always gonna be…

Yes living dying let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That He who lives to be my king
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves my Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God He was, my God He is,
My God He’s always gonna be…

My Savior lives, my Savior loves (x2)
My Savior lives…

I always feel that I am the resourceful type of person. I like to find out everything that is new and interesting. I like to be updated. I like to have the newest version of so n so even if I’m completely happy with the current version. Few times, I scold myself for wasting money and download unnecessary, useless newer version of a program. Today was one of the day I like to surf around the internet, checking out updates and interesting news. When I read that a songwriter, Aaron Shust won awards for songwriter of the year and song of the year with “My Savior My God” in Nashville Dove Awards 2007, I need to get hold of that song even though I never heard of a Aaron Shust, and sometimes praise and worship songs can be a disappointment. But I just have to get it. Hehe.

I downloaded it. I listened to it for the 1st time. And it touched me so deeply. If I could write a song from my heart, this will be it (but I think it will be a very horrible, a reason why I am in med school)

I always wonder why I accepted Christ at the first place. Friends from school were shocked especially my Christian friends. My family couldn’t understand it – their headstrong daughter who is a self-proclaimed atheist and been patronizing their religious belief suddenly turned 180degree the next summer. Is it something in the Russia’s air? Was I tortured and brainwashed by fanatics? Alien abduction? I had a feeling that these thoughts were on my family and friends’ minds. For me, as I said I’m still wondering. I always have questions about life but no answers, no reasons. I questioned the existence of God and I knew my reasoning of his non-existence is not complete. Something is missing somewhere. Maybe also that life here is so boring that hey, the CF seem like a nice society to fool around. The people seem so happy there it irritates me wondering why. Or maybe it is something new and interesting?

I could not remember the exact chain of events but I remembered chatting online with a Christian good friend till wee hours debating about God and life. I remembered that her reasons solved some of my missing puzzles. I remembered feeling defeated in my cause but of course, I refused to admit that to her. I was still very skeptical about God’s existence and in my heart, there is this tingling ‘truth’ feeling I couldn’t ignore. Maybe it is this tingling feeling that led me to accept Christ. Weird right? And is it sufficient enough for me to change my direction? It is new and interesting all right but nobody tell me that I have to walk on a path with thorn bushes surrounding me. And it is like the more I learn about Christianity, the more it confuses me.

Like the song, I did find it strange why Christians were raving on and on that, Christ died for us all. Some became emotional about it and they never met Jesus Christ in person. God sent His only Son to die for us is strange. In fact, everything in Christianity is kinda strange and not logical, and that time I just accepted Christ. I thought I accepted the reasons of God and life, I accepted the teachings in the Bible and living in a ‘love bubble’ with one another is enough. But that tingling feeling surfaced again. And I realized people in the CF are not happy as they seem to be. It feels as if they are carrying this huge guilt burden and that is, the guilt of their sins and of course, Christ died for them.
How could one be ever happy if they let themselves carry that kind of burden? And we are not perfect being, wrongdoings bound to happen. Now what?
Yes, I admit I will never be skilled enough to understand God’s wills and plans. Or why He called me to follow Him knowing there are better people that will love Him a lot. I could only look at it retrospectively and said how lucky I am that God did things to make me follow Him. Even tough the path is really surrounded with thorn bushes, it just don’t matter cause simply, my Savior lives, my Savior loves and my Savior always there for me.

Hmmm….I noticed I raved a lot of the ‘disadvantages’ being a Christian and if I’m going to end my testimony with a simple, ‘advantageous’ statement, that is not good right? But I guess it is that simple really. The joy is so deep it is hard to explain. Oh, and I learned something completely different from all the life’s philosophies. I used to think living in the right-and-wrong codes of human conduct (morality) is very important. It is important but the most important thing is my God loves. He loves us even if we sinned. He is the best judge ever.

Nine Crimes

*yeah…havent been blogging for a very long time. N I dont know I have been missed so much. hehe. You wouldnt believe what I have went thru for the past 3 months but well, past is the past. I have lots of things to blog about, alot of things NOT to blog about…and alot of things to think n reflect about. But hopefully, my life will be back to normal.

Found a new flash Mp3 player which is cute, plus their websites offer file-hosting and alot of goodies. The old one was good too but I dun like the sound quality. Check this out if you wana have music on ur blog,website watever… e-snips. Learn how to do it from this site:Blogger Tips and Tricks: Add Music to your blog.

If ya interested, Google have alots of gadgets that u can add in ur webpage (I jz found out about it!) Go to here:Google Gadgets *

I first heard abt this song “Nine Crimes” by Damien Rice in one of the episode from Grey’s Anatomy Season 3….n I was totally captivated by it. Yeah, it is a sad song but something abt this song that make it different than other sad songs. Maybe it’s melody or something…I can just listen to it forever n it brought out something inside me. It’s just hauntingly beautiful. Hmmmm…

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what i do
It’s the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It’s the wrong time
For somebody new
It’s a small crime
And I’ve got no exuse

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it’s loaded

Is that alright?

If you dont shoot it how am i supposed to hold it

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it’s loaded

Is that alright

Is that alright with you?

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I do

It’s the wrong kind of place

To be cheating on you

It’s the wrong time

but she’s pulling me through

It’s a small crime

And I’ve got no exuse

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it’s loaded

Is that alright?

If you dont shoot it how am I supposed to hold it

Is that alright?

Give my gun away when it’s loaded

Is that alright

Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?

Is that alright?

Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?Is that alright?

Is that alright with you?

No…

I think the song is about two people who were in a relationship and that they love each other. But they realised that it wasnt enough. They realised that their relationship or love havent/couldnt/wouldnt reach the full potential…the gun represents their love for one another. Strong but cud be dangerous if unleashed it at wrong person. Also if the partner aint an active participant…how cud the other release it (If you dont shoot it how am I supposed to hold it) I guess their frustration led to their break-up…or although they are seeing someone new…they feel guilty maybe guilty for not being good enuf for the ex, and guilty that they are betraying their new partners cuz they still love each other. A crime which they have no excuse of defending themselves, cuz they dont even know. The constant questioning of “is that alright with you?” is a desperate plea. it’s a cry out, “if you cared about me, you wouldn’t leave me like this”. They’re prying for information, does the other feel the same. At the end, the no…. they know it is not alright and it wont be alright until something happens….

Music Reflections_, Blogger/Blogosphere_, Reflections&Musings_

Into The Fire

Nothing to post about…just wanna share this cool song with anyone. I’m just hooked to it..with song like this, y do ppl do drugs?? haha. Hope you have a good day today.

Thirteen Senses – Into The Fire

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up

From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and sense dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim
and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim

Ooooh

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Come on, come on

Music Reflections_

Hiatus

On my previous post Why are We Here?”, I personnally believe that my greatest obstacle to do something, seize the day is I did it and I failed. Yes, I have the fear of the defeats written all over me. This is something I have been fighting to overcome it, been thru so many resources…seeking help from friends, seeking relief from God etc. Eventhough I’m shaking with fears when I am about to do something, I just breath in and pretend to be strong and just do it. But how long can I last? The mask is just too heavy to wear now.

If I died now and went to heaven, if God asks what have I been doing all this while…I think my answer is that I accomplished nothing for myself, for my family, for my friends or the world….and I have tons of apologies to make.

Heck, I dont know what to do with this blog. When I started it, I thot now people can know about my life, and I can find myself. I feared, I pressed on and I’m still afraid. I’m not a good writer, not a good story-teller or have an interesting life. I dunno what is this blog all about and what it supposed to do.

Secret of life – to fall seven times, and to get up eight times. Not bore anyone who reads my blog….i decided to take hiatus until I get up. Personnaly, I dont like reading dull, pathetic, depressing blogs. hehe.

Best to describe my mood….Damien Rice – Cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little harder to say what’s going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face, I haven’t kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can’t see what’s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can’t see what’s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon-

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
‘Cause it’s not hard to fall
And I don’t wanna scare her
It’s not hard to fall
And I don’t wanna lose
It’s not hard to grow
When you know that you just don’t know

Oh my God

As I said before, there is karma in life or maybe better to say in this case… there is this unique compensation mechanism in this universe. The very clear example happened right inside our bodies preventing our bodies from further damages after some initial damage.

The not very clear example, well..the unexplainable strange events that happened after you screwed up. The ‘highly-spirituals’ people will call it “Light” or something like that – signs that He is there. The ‘not so spirituals’ people will call it “Luck” or something like that. I’m not sure where I belongs to and yah, since I’m a Christian, I should believe there are no such things as Luck. But this is not the case here…not when me and God are not exactly in good terms here. But strange unexplainable events happened to me right now, right before my eyes. I couldnt deny that this is something”.

Last night, I asked Him questions about my life and confessed to Him how I really feel 2wards Him. Okok, He didnt exactly appear or a fire bush popped up…but at least I settled my issues and ’somebody’ heard it. Today I woke up late and skipped my class (gulp! I felt shit…I thot I could start my day without feeling guilty ) and now to think abt it…it was my choice. I could make it, I will be late but I went. Ok, back to the main topic here…I spent the morning surfing the net, reading blogs bla bla bla. It may seem nothing to you guys but someone sent me a forwarded email about “God and Barber”. I read it and felt abit better. It have been circulating around and it was not the 1st time I read it..so i think u guys must have receive it. And I dunno what’s got into me. I read the review of Jars of Clay latest album “Good Monsters” and i downloaded the song “Oh My God” (Ok fine, i commited a sin but that is not the main topic here). The song, well…taken from Amazon’s review,

“Oh My God” is the “showstopper” of this album. If “Good Monsters” is Album of the Year, “Oh My God” is the Song of the Year, and possibly of the decade. It is a song that one can not listen to, really listen to, and not be shaken by it. It begins with light strumming of acoustic guitar strings as David Haseltine’s voice softly enters with the first verse “Oh My God”. It’s a prayer, a modern-day psalm, a lamentation. The song has a slow, almost laborious pace that crescendos as instruments are added to the texture. It is constructed in three main parts, with no real “chorus” as modern music has made us accustomed to. It is one thought, one verse, piled on top of another thought, piled on top of another, connected only by the commonly used, and sometimes overused (by society) phrase “Oh My God”. There is a slight pause between the main sections of this song that allow a short moment for reflection, maybe even some relief from the heaviness this song provokes.

After listening for the 1st time, I felt so at peace. Not because it soothed me but I felt all my angers, my bitterness 2wards Him and everyone …everything was expressed in the song. Like when people tell u to punch the pillow if u are angry…to let go those angers. I could never write anything not even close to what is written in this lyric but this is exactly how I felt. Before this song, I was frustrated with everything and worst still, I couldnt expressed it or expressed it in a wrong way. Bottling it up and busting it out and hurt those closest to me. And at the same time, I know the actual truth. Esp this part of lyric spoke the reality of what I’m feeling and the effect of it.

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I’d dream we’re better, scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other

This song, this events wont solve my problems but to have that feeling that ’someone’ is there for me…it’s ok.

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
For flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain all fools say, “Oh my God.”

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don’t bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friends
Oh my God

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats, and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools, sons and failures, theives will always say
Lost and found, ailing wanderers, healers always say
Whores and angels, men with problems, leavers always say
Broken hearted, separated, orphans always say
War creators, racial haters, preachers always say
Distant fathers, fallen warriors, givers always say
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows, users always say
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters, Saviors always say

Sometimes I can not forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I’d dream we’re better, scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other

Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear the keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder, we all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up
Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God

For those I have caused pain in their heart, I’m sorry.
For those who been praying for me, thank you.
For those who have spent their precious time to encourage me, ur efforts will be remembered.
For those who been listening to me, please don’t let it affect your faith and your life.
For those have cried cuz of me and still care abt me, I will not let you down again.
For those who feel what I felt, I hope this song will help you as it helped me.
To God, You are such a mean jerk and I love You. hehe.
Music Reflections_

My December

My December
This is my December.

This is my snow covered home.

This is my December.

This is me alone.

And I…

Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed.

And I…

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that.

And I’d give it all away.

Just to have somewhere to go to.

Give it all away.

To have someone to come home to.

(My December – Linkin Park)

I hv noticed, this is always in my playlist during the month of december. No words needed to express more than there is on how i feel. The end of year, the time to reflect back how my life in 1year. The time to hope for a better year than the year b4. The time to think of resolutions n how to break ‘em(hehe) n the time to squeeze my brain juice n my pocket to buy the perfect gifts to those I love.Right now,as will be the same for the next 3years…i get to spend White Christmas as i always wanted as a child. The envy of my lil’ brother n kid cousins to play with snow, make snowman n etc. That’s one of the irony in my life now…i have my childhood dream fulfilled but i dun get to spend it with those i really love – my family.How i wish i’m back at home…making plans, preparing to celebrate X’mas instead of being here. But that’s life. U can’t it ALL YOUR WAY.

Music Reflections_