By The River Rhine I Might Find My Answer

Now I really get it…that it is tough getting older. I waited all my life to be there, to be an adult, so that life is just not about finishing your homework, getting the grades and waiting for mum and dad to come back from work. Yeah, I have never fitted well during my childhood. Maybe I am just a quintessential middle child.

Now, that I am here…few steps to be an adult. It already sucks and I don’t think I will fit well in it. I already feel I have alot of baggage on my back. I am not hopeful, I already see a burning bridge, what more thinking of crossing it. I am as lonely as I could be or want to be. I am confused, nothing seem to be black and white anymore. Too afraid to move forward, to open my heart. And I yearn that my life be that easy as it seem to be for most of people around me. Maybe I am just hurting too deep inside. But I am not sure why. Seem unbelievable to believe that a person is the main cause of my brokenness. Or maybe there is something deeper festering inside, an underlying cause that I failed to see it. It wasn’t where I’m looking at.

Just some thought I had. I will be going for a summer trip with my mum and aunts. We will be visiting Moscow, St. Petersburg, London and Paris. And then, I will spend 2 nights in Cologne by myself, my first time doing this sort of thing. I always thought that it was necessary cuz I hated the idea of spending a night in the airport alone and it’ll be an adventure…to the unknown land, seeing new sights, meeting new people bla bla bla.

But I just realized, I was more looking forward to be alone and away from everyone. Eventhough I dislike the idea of being alone, I just need the space…to be somewhere far far away from everyone I knew. Maybe it will be a vain attempt cuz I also realize I could never be away from one person, my mind wouldn’t let me, I just know that. 

Maybe that space will do me some good…allow me to think, to encounter that thing that is festering inside and to find my footing in life again. Because it just can’t be that coincidence that I’m leaving my university life with the same feeling I felt when I was leaving my high school life. In fact, it got so much worse. It is as if I have been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, waiting for a dream to seep in through the blinds….and i’m still waiting…waiting but the hope is flickering away as if telling me that it’s just not going to happen to me.

So maybe by the river Rhine, maybe being inside the Kölner Dom, maybe just being somewhere foreign…I might clear my head, I might finally get to rest my soul (not the dying kind of resting soul la)….I might find the answer to thing I have been looking for or not looking…whatever it might be.