A Change is Gonna Come

Change. I am a person that resent changes and the irony is, I’m one person whom seems can’t stick to one thing for long. I’m a self-proclaimed ADD (attention deficit disorder person) But I know, life is like a river that never stops flowing. We adapt to changes, adapt it well and fast or we will be lost. Swept by the current and ended up drowning 10 feet under and upside down. And I learned this through the long and not hard, but a painful way.

What about me? When do I get what I want? I’m not sayin’ that but… what about me?

I’m not a spoiled very privileged child that needs to get everything she wants. I’m always the responsible one. I may not be the brightest or eloquent person, but whatever I achieved, I did it with the best I could. And all the years of my trainings and experiences made me independent as one should become…an adult. But I’m still someone that needs, from time to time to be hold by the hands and lead on. I need some kind of emotional security blanket. And the last thing I wished for was losing my identity at the same time being taken for granted, and then being abandoned when I have nothing more to take from. Who to blame? That person or, me for allowing it to happen?

I know nobody will ever understand that extend of my pains. I will never get my justice. I might not even be healed with time to come. And the most hurtful and perhaps the truth is I’m the only one that is suffering and bearing all the consequences. I am beating myself up. I don’t deny it. I am the only one who haven’t let go.

How I wish there is a delete button in my mind?

I need to close that door. And it has to be done in order for me to survive, and be a normal sociable person. But the thing is, I can so much delete that person from my emails, my contacts and my Facebook. But, the memory will always be there and that fear of bumping to her again. Why am I the one that is afraid to see her again when she was the one that hurts me? I don’t know. I know that if I ever see her again, if she ever tries to patch things up, I have a lot of things to say to her and it won’t be nice. But I know I’ll be tongue-tied when that time comes. I can’t.

I don’t understand fully who I have become, or how I will get through this bad patch of my life. I want this change to happen.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be part of my life, to be shared by anyone who is interested. I was always eager to show my friends about it. But it all changed, unknowingly to me at first, which I clammed up after I realized that my best friend couldn’t share her enthusiasm and was so critical about what I post in my blog. I was afraid that if I mention something about my life which kind of related to her, she will be displeased greatly. To me, what’s good is that to share it with the world when you couldn’t share it with your best friend. And that is just the tip of the iceberg of how we became this way.

It’s all gonna change now. This is my life I’m getting back. This time, I am being real here and it isn’t vaguely anymore (ok, I did try to be vague before) I can say that I don’t care if she ever found out what I blogged about, I doubt that she will even remember the existence of this blog. Blogging is part of my life I quite enjoy. I don’t care what anyone think about it – whether I’m just pathetic or crazy or in real need of psyche help.

In this world, don’t ask why someone becomes crazy. Instead, ask why we don’t become crazy.

I’m a melancholic person. I have my bouts of melancholic episodes. I have thoughts that can only be shared in few-folds, few-levels whatever. It will be interesting to see where this thing will lead me to.

Change… We don’t like it. We fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here’s the truth; sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes… oh, sometimes change is good… sometimes change… is everything