Wounded

We are all wounded people. I realized that I have indeed became a wounded person. I know the reason why I became such, but more than that….I don’t know. Wounded people. People that seem ok on the outside, but walking around with a big gaping festering wound. Unable to be love or be truly happy. And everything seem nonchalant. Because we have this deep deep longing for something to close this wound or at least, fill it. Some say it’s God that we want, but is it??

Never thought that this is the result. 4 years of long and painful fighting, but still keeping the hope that things will get better. watever. I can’t deny it any longer or pretend that it didn’t happen. I got caught up in all there was to offer, and the cost was so much more than I could bear. Right now, I do hope that things will still get better, but it is not going to be as easy as said, at least not for me.

I’m a melancholic temperament person. I take things, life, people seriously and deep. I couldn’t just let people in and let them out. My people all leave a deep and lasting impression in me. And when that is gone or became “mutated”, it wounded me deep.

I don’t know what the future will hold for me, or how will I carry my wounded self. But I know I can’t go out like this. I am struck by how I cling to my wounded self. I guess, I learned more about my place in life than I ever could before this.

“It is important to understand our suffering. It is often necessary to search the origins of our mental and emotional struggles and to discover how other people’s actions and our response to their actions have shaped the way we think, feel and act. Most of all, it is freeing to become aware that we do not have to be victims of our past and can learn new ways of responding. But there is a step beyond the recognition and identification of the facts of life. There is one step beyond choosing how to live our life story. It is the step of forgiveness. Forgiveness mean I will continually forgiving people for not being God – for not fulfilling my needs.”

I guess, the best thing to do now instead of doing nothing or rooted myself deeply in this wounded shell, is to cultivate my love to God.

Some of my thoughts for past few days…

Blessed Easter

It’s Easter today where Christians around the world (except the orthodoxs because they will celebrate it 2 weeks later…i think)…yeah, Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Since I became a Christian only after studying in Russia, celebrating Easter, i guess, will always be part of my Russia’s memories.

Hmmm…I had my first Passover meal here. Pastor Dave and Kathy organized a youth retreat few years ago, and re-enacted the Passover, complete with roast lamb and unleavened bread. They taught us the meaning behind Passover, Holy Communion and Easter. Then, there was my 1st media presentation I did for the church in conjunction with Easter ( I think it was last year i.e. 2008) It was the time, I guess I found my “calling” serving the church and became more serious in Christianity.

This Easter, well, I didn’t join in the celebration in church. It was more personal. Actually, this whole year my walk with Christ is much more personal, how to say…spiritually getting into the core of Christianity?? I dunno…

Yeah, I don’t know where it will lead me or even, whether I’m on the right path or not. I just know that I’m not the same person already. Maybe I can say that right now, I’m in the desert praying and being tested with temptations…just like Jesus after His baptism and before His preaching to the people. It is more like getting my heart, my mind and my soul ready for the outside world….and having faith that God is always there and I will stand strong in the midst of this life.

Project 365: Day 20 – English Pub In Nizhny

Last day of my therapy cycle. And it was a beautiful day…as I’m typing now, it is a beautiful night too. I’m looking at the bright shining full moon outside my window.wow. Went out with Stephanie on a long walk by the embankment of the Volga river, all the way to Minina and to Gorkova. It was a long long walk. But it was worth it, the landscape around Volga river at this time is just simply …enchanting. (ok, I’m paying for it now, my leg is in pain now!)

Well, we wanted to try out Penthouse but it was still closed. So instead, we ended up in English Pub restaurant. It was cool place, the setting was very…British, with a huge and well-stocked bar, and of course, cute bartenders.hehe.

Had alot fun today and created a controversial urban word: STD (seize the day). Yeah, when it first came out from my mouth….Steph gave me the look. I was “dumbfounded” for a moment. And we laughed hard.

Project 365: Day 19 – Another Step Forward

Today, we (my sole groupmate and I) did our therapy practical exam i.e. examining, making diagnosis and treating our patient on our own. Both of us had median caries case. Well, we have been treating patients for past 3 weeks so the exam was actually just like any other day. But thank God, everything went smoothly. I even have enough time to do scaling for another patient.

Thinking about it, therapy class has always been toughest and scariest to me – so many infomation to remember, so many techniques to master and an impossible teacher to please. Seriously, she is my living nightmare…I think 10years from now, I can still remember her sarcastic laughter when we got stucked with her questioning. It’s going to be over soon. Tomorrow is my last therapy class and then, the final exam in Jun…n no more therapy class. WooHoo! I know working life will be even more difficult but today, this thing…it is just another step forward.

My groupmate, Shaffee from Maldives

Me treating my patient

Project 365: Day 18 – Broken

Created : using Automotivator

Quote : from song “Broken Strings” by James Morrison and Nelly Furtado
Photo : acquired from DeviantArt
Reason For Creation : No good reason at all…bored

Project 365: Day 17 – Abysmal

Life Quote (self-explanatory)

Project 365: Day 16 – a typical Sunday night

Just a typical Sunday night not going anywhere. Just me, Pearly and Valia in the room. Us the nerds studying for class tomorrow and once in awhile, irritating each other. Ever since Yoda come into the picture, Pearly has been irritating me with her Yoda’s talk e.g. Study you must. But playing games you went….n it went on and on.

So this is my payback….muahahahaha.

Project 365: Day 15 – A Kiddo I Am

Went to Mega with Pearly and Jonas and did this crazy unthinkable thing – joining a group of kids and painting ceramic figurines. hehehe. I used to do this when I was small, I still remember of my purple dinosour (not Barney, but a long-neck type cute dino). This time – I painted Yoda, the Master Jedi. Pearly painted Alex the lion in Madagascar. Jonas pulak…boys will be boys, he painted Crazy Frog of the…Crazy Frog song.

the three big kiddos

The Best I Am - Yoda hehe~

Ahhh…..childhood. How I missed it. I think it is always a good thing to put away our “adult” pride and revisit our childhood, doing silly things. Make us feel young again, give us the happy childlike feeling that we so often lost it  being in this world so long. I can’t help but to say this to end this post….May the force be with you!

Project 365: Day 12-14 – Random

Day 12

Spring is here....but it keeps snowing.

Day 13

Spring deco in Etazhi mall

Day 14

Was surfing around and saw this beautiful photo of Acropolis, reminded me of my 1st Europe vacation in Greece.

Trauma

“Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But, maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up. Before we can step up”

In life, there will always be trauma cases. Sometimes, it can be so traumatic that it changes us 180degrees and it leaves scars. Reminding us that it was there, it will always be there. We feel the pain – the phantom pain, feeling all over again the sinking feeling of fear. And no matter how much we want not to be reminded by it, we know that deep inside, trauma is what needed for us to move forward. Running away from it will only allow it to haunt us every once in a while. To grow healthily is to embrace the past, the trauma, and to believe that we can survive the next big trauma.

My scars, I have many to show. But there is this particular one, I seem to be stuck with it, can’t seem to move forward from it. Sometimes, I feel I can’t breathe it and other days, I feel I can’t survive without it. It is always there.

I tried to overcome it, to face it or avoid it, but like a weak recovering addict, I fell back to it over and over again.

I can’t let go of it. Some parts of me don’t want to let go it. It was after all, the first time, I opened myself to it. You see, I’m a quiet person by nature. I don’t easily warm up to people or trust them. I don’t know why but I fear to allow them into my life, let them see the real me and fear that they will be disappointed of the real me and abandon me. But it makes such an impression on me, made me drawn to it. I was happy being with it. But it didn’t last long. Everyone has their own flaws and insecurities. And its flaws and insecurities reflected on mine. In the end, both of us got hurt and scars were formed. I am still suffering from the pain it caused me.

Now, I am carrying both the “happy times” and the scars. It was like…when love and hate collides. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still emotionally attached to it but for it, it is a different story already. I am really not the type that can let go of something I’m emotionally attached to it. I’m not strong that way. But I realized today, what I lost; I can never get it back…not for me. The scars were there to remind me of the hurts and that it can still hurts me in the future.

Part of moving forward is to realize that you need to move forward, and only you yourself must make the first step forward and never look back

I’m not sure why it always goes downhill
Like a broken cistern, never could stay filled
I’ve spent 10 years singing the gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

Here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hopes and dreams I ever had are in doubts
I’ve spent 10 years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from the eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find the cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It will be a lie to run away

(Jon Foreman – Cure for Pain)