Into The Fire

Nothing to post about…just wanna share this cool song with anyone. I’m just hooked to it..with song like this, y do ppl do drugs?? haha. Hope you have a good day today.

Thirteen Senses – Into The Fire

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up

From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and sense dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim
and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim

Ooooh

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Come on, come on

Music Reflections_

My Heart is Spoken For

I’m not sure now how should I start it or what I actually want to blog about. But I am quite sure that what I am going to blog about, one day after I started working and read it back, I am not the same person as I was.

There are alot of times when something happened to you and you wont realized how it affected your life till very much later. But sometimes, at that moment something happened, your life changed, you will never the be the same person. Most of the times, it sucked. People always say that it will be your decision or “the ball in your court” on how to go thru it that matters most. But in this case, it really really doesnt matter.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life.

Some said I shouldnt take it too hard. Some said I should treasure that ‘learning opportunity’. Some said it was no one’s fault. I said, no matters what the reasons were, no matters who I think shud be blamed and no matters what people tried to comfort me…I know it very well, the real fucked-up person is ME.

I was given the opportunity to treat a patient. I have to put a permanent filling for my patient’s previous root-canal treated tooth. For most students…in fact for every dental students, it was supposably to be the day they been waiting for – to treat their first patient. N that moment came to me just like that. N what’s more, I have my already experienced groupmate, my senior and my teacher with me. Supposably, everything should be ok.

It was not ok. Everything went wrong.

“Have you ever dreamt that suddenly you were on the stage, everybody looking at you and you realized you are standing there naked?”

As I said earlier, the real fucked-up person is me. At first, the aftermath was I got scolded by my teacher many many times. I pissed-off the registration lady because my patient’s card couldnt be found. My patient was very pissed-off – he was rushing to attend for an important class and ended up missing it. Was told it wont take long at least 30min, but the treatment took 2 hours. I was so embarrased. I lost all credibilities as a good student and a smart groupmate. N I still dunno how to face my patient who happened to my coursemate and living in the same hostel as mine. N for myself, I felt I lost my confidence to be a good dentist.

There are 5 stages of dying – DENIAL > ANGER > BARGAINING > DEPRESSION > ACCEPTANCE. I think it should 5 stages of goin thru something that will never ever changed because I went thru all 5 of them…now it is the ACCEPTANCE stage.

Denying that it was so bad. Denying my role in that screwed-up. Denying my real feelings. Getting angry at everyone. Blaming my senior for making me treat the patient and didnt know when the patient’s card was, wasnt there to help me but instead playing a tour guide and getting me scolded by my teacher. Blaming those who put me ‘on the spot’. Blaming those who did that and yet dare to be mad at me because I was mad at them. Getting very angry when they said I took it too hard. Getting very angry when they told me it was a learning opportunity I should treasure it. Getting very angry at the people who caused the chain of events, couldnt come n apologize to me instead, taking care of their own skin n werent bother about my feelings. Not that I didnt tell them I wasnt ready to do it yet. Not that I didnt tell them it was ‘wrong’. Already I felt used that they coaxed me to let them used my cycle for their real purpose. Making a big fool out of myself in front of everyone. I will have to be a Mary-Poppins if I can still put up a smiling face for everyone esp them.
(yes, I couldnt help it not being angry while thinking back now)

The fact I have no friends I could go to who would understand me or at least care about my feelings, instead of telling me that I took it too hard. The fact I really wanted to tok to my mum but I know, at the end, I will have to comfort her instead. The fact I know part of it..a big part of it was my fault. I should know how to do it. I should handle it more professionally. I shouldnt even allowed all these to happen at the 1st place. “Those who have the ability to take action, have the responsibility to” Most part of yesterday I spent being depressed and crying. Alone. Bargaining and depressed.

But it is the past edi. What is done, is done. I have learned my lessons very well. Accepting that I cant change the past. Accepting whatever that happened, however it happened…I have to have faith that something good will come to me, or something at least. Meaning to say, I realized this is the reason why there must be a God in this world. I’m not saying I’m waitin for God to strike those I blamed and stand there laughing. If I dont believe in Him, I wouldnt be me now and blogging about yesterday. I will be a very bitter person and even quit everything. Because shitty things happened to me, to you, to everyone The world is full of sufferings and evils. If I dont believe in something greater than me, a Supreme Good, something more powerful than anything …, that powerless-ness in me will one day, eat me inside out. Is it possible the most self-confidence, strongest, wisest person in the earth can and will able to take of him/herself and fend for him/herself from every problems, every sufferings and every evils? Maybe it is possible as in ‘nothing is impossible’. But for me, I dun think I will ever want to possess such gift…if I have the opportunity to.

As I write this, I remembered something that changed my life before. Not as dramatic as yesterday’s event. Just a simple song. “So Afraid” by Bebo Norman. I dun remember how I got this song. At that time, I wasnt a Christian yet, so it was odd I ‘accidently’ downloaded this song. (how did I go to christian music section at the 1st place eh?) I wanted to delete it at first but I thought maybe I should listen to it first. As I listened and listened to the lyric…maybe you will think this is one of christian’s bullshit…miracle bla bla bla…but this song affected me in a way I dunno how to explain. At the time, I have a Christian friend who been talking and answering all my questions about Christianity (at that time, I believed in no God and was curious why some people esp her can be so in love with God, and I admit it was very annoying)
Needless to say what happened next to my life.

Reflections&Musings_, Indulging Faith_, My LifeLog_

My Blog, My Rules

Modified from the movie “Fight Club” rules,

The first rule of Fabled-Facade is

YOU DO NOT GET TO DETERMINE MY BLOG

The second rule of Fabled-Facade is

YOU DO NOT GET TO DETERMINE MY BLOG

I’m so sick of people telling me what I should blog and what I shouldnt blog about. Here the thing…this blog does not fully represent my real identity, ok. I’m using this as a channel for my thoughts and that consists of my musing, my reflections, my jokes and my bitching (yeah, I bitches alot)..SEE! It is all MY, MY, MY. So what fuck right u have to determine what I should blog about.

“You should blog about your life only”….

Deh~ What have I been blogging all this while? The life and death of Peter Pan ah??? Oh, you are meaning I should blog about my thoughts and things that happened in my life…for example, I bought a fish today….and I thought it is so sad that the fish had to sacrifice its life for my pleasure. That is very freaky rite? Yeah, I’d think so too.

Wait a min, I’m not blogging about my life here…I’m blogging about the fish’s life.

If I blog about a fictional life with fictional characters – either I’m writing a novel or I’m psychotic…and will you wanna read it? Cuz you know it very well I’m NOT a novelist or even trying to be one.

I HAVE A LIFE….but UNFORTUNATELY, my life includes a lot of people too meaning I know alot about other people lives. Yeah, didnt u get the memo that human being are social animal?

I do admit that some of posts are offensive and 18 PG,SX…bla bla. But if you have a problem with what I posted, you take it out in here i.e in my blog or your blog watever. Play by the rules man…What happened here, stay in here. Because as I said, my identity here is not the same as my real identity. [READ: FAIR PLAY]

Ok fine, I’m tired and I’m cranky and frustrated dealing with annoying people….I have deadlines to catch, right now..it is 6.00am. I’m not even tryin to write something. I’m doin what I do best when I NEED to blog and have not the right amount of brain capacity to do it – short sentences with alot of dashes and dot dot dot.

So this is it…THIS IS MY BLOG. I BLOG WHATEVER I WANT AND YOU DO NOT GET TO DETERMINE WHAT I SHOULD BLOG ABOUT.

In other words – don’t fuckety-fuckadoo-fuck with me (special thanks to mel for introducing this quote)

Seriously, what is you people’ problems? I dont think I have ever mentioned anyone particularly before and always been discreet about events of my life (which unfortunately includes you people..too bad!) If you have a problem with that, dont be a hypocrite and read the newspapers or tabloids la.

“You know, I get it that people are just looking for a way to fill the holes;

that they want the holes; they want to live in the holes;

and they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes.

Climb out of your holes, people!!”

And yes, I like to quote. It is my thing. So let it be. And this is another quote which have no context with this post. But I like it. It is after all…MY BLOG. And yes, I’m so into me now. Thanks to you. You have a problem with that too? I shouldnt thank you? Dont EVER mention it.

A warning from Tyler Durden of Fight Club right after the DVD copyright warning

“If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this is useless fine print is another second off your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think everything you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned…….Tyler”

P.S. – Do not ask me who am I referring to. The “YOU” is a fictional character and I’m not psycho.

Blogger/Blogosphere_

Yesterday…

Just4Laughs_
Yesterday….in IKEA

Was having lunch with A in IKEA restaurant and discussing about invitation cards for upcoming X’mas. FYI and it is nothing to boast about it, we (A and me) did the cards last X’mas. Simple, beautiful and a success.

Me : So, got any new ideas ah?
A : Not really wor…last year it was so good…all thanks to me….(with a sulking face)
Me : Huh???
A : Yalah…everybody keep saying u did a beautiful work. But they didnt know that it wont be that beautiful if
not for my IDEA to print it in a beautiful gold paper.
Me : But..but …I design it. I spent the time design it. Okla….50-50%
A : No…70%
Me getting annoyed)….60%. I did most of it. U just chose the paper.
A : Without the paper..it wont be THE invitation card. 70%!. Actually, to think abt it, 70% is ‘givin chance’.
Rightfully, (it) should be 80%.
Me : Oi, 60% is actually ‘giving chance’. U should deserve the lesser (40%). I designed, I searched for the
pictures, I chose the fonts and styles n I printed it out. hmmph.
A : U didnt design it. Where u got those pictures? And btw, I chose a better picture. Tell me where…?
Me : smiling sheepishly…from the clip-art in Words. But I spent my time doin it. U just chose. CHOSE.
A : U CHOSE the pics from clip art. U DIDNT DESIGN it. N u wanted to print it out in normal white paper.
The credit should be all mine. Ok, 70%. Take it or leave it.
Me : *…grabbin the nearest rope-like thingy from IKEA, circle it around my neck…and strangle
myself …*

Yesterday….in Ashan (Tesco-like hypermarket near IKEA)

After lunch, we went for groceries shopping and also, looking for a gift for pastor’s birthday. Actually, tell me…what is a suitable gift for a middle-aged guy? Me and A agreed it is so tough to buy something for dads.
This also reminded me how we used to ’show-off’ with our dad during kindergarten and primary school times. hehe.

In hardwares aka ‘big boys’ toys’ section…
A : My dad has a super cool pocket-sized hand drill
Me : (still feeling disgruntled over lunch) Ceh…my dad has a big hand drill
A : my dad’s drill is much cooler and perfect for household. blek.
Me : My dad’s drill is monstrous…can destroy ur house with just that.
A : U destroyed my house, I ask my dad to “hentam”(beat-up) ur dad
Me : Come la…my dad’s bigger than urs.
A : My dad’s taller.
Me : My dad’s stronger.
…………(continue it urself la)

A reminiscence. When I was a little gal, I used to be afraid of new, strange surroundings. Even a tiny difference in a surrounding that I was accustomed to, I will be afraid. Running to my dad, mum or sis and holding on to them tightly. I think I was only as tall as my dad’s waist that time…maybe even shorted than that. I recognized my dad only by his leg. So, this one time..I remember I was in my garden running around and suddenly appeared strange legs around me. I was so afraid…new visitors! Quickly, I run to my dad whom I knew was around me at that time. Scanning thru the many new legs…I saw the “IT”. I ran and held on to it tightly and cried (I was a cry-baby that time…blek) Then I saw my dad’s legs in front of me and heard his voice. I looked up and realized I was actually holding on to the wrong legs. I let go and did the best thing I could think of that time – cried.

*….hmmmmm…..wokie, an embarassing story of me.Certainly the last one u will hear from me. Dont even try to tease me or I’ll break ur legs.

I Need You

Indulging Faith_

Romans 8:38-39 :
Paul said, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate is from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

This video was recently posted up in HaveFaith. And I agreed with Centerpide…there is nothing much to say about this inspiring video. It said it all…

My Anguish as a Malaysian

It has been the longest and most tiring weekend for me. N this is a lesson for me – never ever try to finish my big assignment last minute. I had 2 months to do it and didnt do it. Finally, when the deadline came and that was last Friday, I tried to be a hero and started it a day before the deadline. N of course, I couldnt finish it on time and have to pursue my groupmate to pass it up together tomorrow.
*finger crossed, everything will be ok*

Alot of thoughts came into my mind this weekend while doing. Well, I couldnt concentrate on my assignment 24-7 and have to surf the net and relax my mind. So-called ‘relax my mind’.

Everyday, I read about the big-shot idiots of Malaysia government giving out the stupidest ideas ever in this universe. Ok…fine, Malaysia planned to send someone up to space. Finally they chose 2 people out of the batch of candidates (not suprisingly one of which is a Malay…i’m not racist, I’m just statin the obvious choice) and these 2 guys went to Russia for training bla bla bla. N guess wat, Malaysia planned to send Malaysian to the space….to play batu-seremban(tradisional game with stones) and drink teh-tarik(popular Malaysia’s tea)!!!!

Wow!!! If they pulled it off…it will be THE GREATEST LAUGHING STOCK of THE CENTURY! The whole 1st world will be laughing at us …tiny attempt of a tiny country to compete with the “big boys”.
*pleaseeeeeee…… thinking of covering myself with paper bag.

RM 400million for a NEW ISTANA NEGARA??? Will it includes a Prince William and hot hot hot gossips of a royal family??
*speechless……. Wake up la idiots. There alot of needy people need that kind of money. Besides, we dont need a grand structure as a testimony of how corrupted and stupid the government is ler.

Why am I so bitter towards my country’s government??? How can I not be la???
Frankly speaking, this is the result of years and years of bitterness silence from the younger “non-bumi” generation and I’m sure I am not alone here. Of course, I do not want to see any riots, civil wars or 13 May to happen but I ponders deeply, is it inevitable???

This Australian reporter, Michael Backman wrote this article about Malaysia, and Rafidah told The Stars papers…she is not goin to be bother by this article…stating that the reporter didnt attend the UMNO meeting bla bla :- Rafidah plays down Aussie barb.

I couldnt help but to wonder, all of them…if they just close both eyes and be ignorant, then there will be no problem???

Some politician asked us not to question the bumis’ priviledges…? I find it hard not to. We are born in Malaysia, we live here, we serve the country, we pay the taxes and all we get is a ’second citizen’ status. Actually…I dun mind what is my status, I dun mind the bumiputeras getting the priviledges…what I do mind and damn pissed about is the politicians who lead this country – ignorant, self-proclaimed superior, money-minded, hypocrites idiots. Personally, the NEP was a good program to benefit all Malaysia. Now, it’s sole purpose is to benefit the very“benefited” politicians.

Bravo!!! to certain Malaysians…

Rantrantrant_
Bravo!!! to certain Malaysians who just made Malaysia renowned again for their stupidity. Seriously, is Malaysia or the world thattttt….. boring till they have to do really really stupid thing? Ok fine, Osama bin Laden has/had become a myth. Saddam going to be hanged. US controlled Iraq. Isreal-Palestine…hmmmm bored edi, forever on-off one. Dr.M vs Pak Lah….ok, we give them a break since one got heart-attack n the other, he is ok for now.

Now, we focus on certain religion (fun!), the weaker sex(oh la la) and ice-cream!

Seriously...I just have to say something about these idiots….

Mr Dust Burnt. The infamous dude who picked the wrong battle. “Datuk ah…this is the 21st century ah, not the 18th century eventhough we know exactly which century ur mind belongs. U just dun say - It’s the Sexy Dress when ppl asked u about that peeping tom n CCTV, paham??” Simply because the whole wide world know you just CANNOT MESS WITH WOMEN AND JOURNALISTS. See what happened now? We know wat u goin to do n u did it. Saying that reporters misquoted you (yeah, reporters are dumb right, they just cant listen n write to what you were saying) and everybody asking u to apologise which u diliy daliy. Frankly speaking, I’m waiting for him to cry in a press conferance. Must be a popular thing politicians like to do now, eh.

My advice to politicians on how to avoid this situation – take a little chunk out of your fat, bloated bribes paychecks and hire urself a publicist or PR officer la. At least u can avoid making a fool out of urself cuz ur publicist will tell u this “Hey stupid, I know u are paying my bills but u r still stupid and I need my paychecks so please whatever u do, u dont make a sexist remark. Tell them that u will handle the situation professionally although I doubt it personally but hey, it will make u look good. Trust me, stupid”

**************************************************

Another bunch of idiots – the Ice-Cream gang. Look at this :-

Look at it closely cuz this may be ur last time looking at it. Did you happen to see a CROSS symbol on it? Yup, the same cross that crucifixed Jesus Christ is on this ice-cream…so claimed that bunch of idiots. Bravo!!! This just prove two things – that they have good power of observation and that they really have nothing to do. Which kind of idiots can come out with such …sorry, I dun think there is a word to define what they did. They make a police report about their “finding” and stated that it was because some consumers were unhappy.

Read this: Biskut lambang salib. PPIM buat laporan polis (it is in Malay but all it mean was that this group PPIM, an Islamic Consumer Society reported to the polis about the cross found on the ice-cream and the police cheif acknowleged it and will investigate) Erm….flabbergasted rite?

Come on, why not we(non-Muslims) prove to them that we have a good eyesight too and search for products that have a star n crescent like this :

and make a police report cuz we, the consumers are not happy with it. It caused us to stumble in our religions. Ok, fine…that was lame. But seriously, what was in their idiotic minds? Wat next?? Y not ban small letter ‘T’ in the our national language?

Seriously, u think by consuming it, a vision of Jesus will appear in front of them n ask them to convert to Christianity? U think, Muslims that consumed it will lost faith in Islam and turn to Christ? It is not them or the world that have little faith in Islam, it is YOU! You who berated your own kind and treat them like children!

(You = those idiots la, k)

*******************************************

Mr. Bollocks (bollocks = testicles in British english, buah Zakar in Malay language) ….sigh~ read this….

about allegations that Muslims getting baptised in a Catholic Church This Zakaria guy (not that cry-baby, big bully, Klang assemblyman Zakaria) had a meeting about some Muslims got baptised and the objective of the meeting was to control young people so that they would not go astray. This is a good example why they (big-shot idiots) shud hire a publicist or PR officer.

Seriously… how dumb are Christians to you? how feeble-minded are the mind of Muslims? Even if they chose to follow another religion, how bad can a RELIGION lead them? We are talking about ppl converting to another main religion in the world, not involving themselves into cults eg Black Metal or something la. Wah, u think the Catholic church will just baptise anyone at their will ah? Catholics have even more rules than Islam if a person wants to be one. I think 5x Mom’s post about this issue said it all – Let me tell you the difference about Islam/Christianity/Catholicsm/ and pengaruh barat.

Personally, these people shud open their mind (this method may work, band ur head on a table and run it under hot water…like how we open a jar of pickles) There are many underground Christians (Muslims who has converted) and there are many testimonies that Islamic authorities caught them, brainwashed them kau-kau, threatened them and yet they chose to be a Christian. What did this teach us? Not that we, Christians have magic powers and bewitched them but simply because, God (any gods actually) gives us freewill n no man can force another man to submit to their God.

Ok, fine…I dun understand Islam to comment about it, but what kind of impression these ppl are trying to show the world? I believe Islam is not a bad religion at all, but maybe there are reasons why some Muslims who been following Islamic teaching all these while, suddenly choose to sacrifice everything and leave. Maybe?

One rotten apple spoils the whole basket. When will this nonsense stops? Must we wait till it is too late to do anything right?

Hiatus

On my previous post Why are We Here?”, I personnally believe that my greatest obstacle to do something, seize the day is I did it and I failed. Yes, I have the fear of the defeats written all over me. This is something I have been fighting to overcome it, been thru so many resources…seeking help from friends, seeking relief from God etc. Eventhough I’m shaking with fears when I am about to do something, I just breath in and pretend to be strong and just do it. But how long can I last? The mask is just too heavy to wear now.

If I died now and went to heaven, if God asks what have I been doing all this while…I think my answer is that I accomplished nothing for myself, for my family, for my friends or the world….and I have tons of apologies to make.

Heck, I dont know what to do with this blog. When I started it, I thot now people can know about my life, and I can find myself. I feared, I pressed on and I’m still afraid. I’m not a good writer, not a good story-teller or have an interesting life. I dunno what is this blog all about and what it supposed to do.

Secret of life – to fall seven times, and to get up eight times. Not bore anyone who reads my blog….i decided to take hiatus until I get up. Personnaly, I dont like reading dull, pathetic, depressing blogs. hehe.

Best to describe my mood….Damien Rice – Cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little harder to say what’s going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face, I haven’t kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can’t see what’s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can’t see what’s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon-

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
‘Cause it’s not hard to fall
And I don’t wanna scare her
It’s not hard to fall
And I don’t wanna lose
It’s not hard to grow
When you know that you just don’t know

Why Are We Here?

Maybe some of you read it long time ago. Yes, this is a repost from The Alchemist. I didnt write it, this is an excerpt from the book itself. Which I always find it very inspiring….What is our purpose here? Living life? I believe that all of us have a purpose being here….we know about it. We all dream of achieving something. We know our abilities and what we want. So why we still stay the same here…going thru endless routines of life? This is what the author said:-

Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend. However, we don’t all have the courage to confront our own dream. Why? There are four obstacles.

First: we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear, and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it’s still there.

If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: LOVE. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.

Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: FEAR of the defeats we will meet on the path. We who fight for our dream suffer far more when it doesn’t work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse: “Oh, well, I didn’t really want it anyway.”
We do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier than any other path, except that our whole heart is in this journey. Then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, even though we may not understand how.
I ask myself: are defeats necessary? Well, necessary or not, they happen. When we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times. So, why is it so important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people? Because, once we have overcome the defeats–and we always do–we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life.
Each day, each hour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives. Having disinterred our dream, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day.

Then comes the fourth obstacle: the FEAR of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.
Oscar Wilde said: “Each man kills the thing he loves.” And it’s true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt.
We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far.
I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal–when it was only a step away.This is the most dangerous of obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing job and conquest.

But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, and you understand why you are here.

Nizhny Novgorod?? …BLASPHEMY!!

My LifeLog_
* 8.33pm – just had my dinner i.e porridge. Thanks God for Aze’s caring heart and superb porridge. Anaethesia effect worn off, I feel pain.PAIN. Worst of all, I’m alone in my room eating porridge while the CF leaders went to pastor’s place for a nice home-cooked dinner. Ishh Ish…Life is unfair at times. When the going get tough, Icegal RANTS! Muahahaha…

Frankly speaking or not intending to hurt anyone’s feeling, but I do get bored and annoyed by people’s ‘genuine concern’ over my well-being in Russia….which, i dunno whether all of them are telepathic or wat…they always ask the same questions and give the same response/expressions when I answered them. Some of the stupid sickening questions that have been asked:

1) So…you are studying in Russia,rite? Which city?
- Ok fine…I really dun mind answering that question. It is a valid get-to-know-u-more kind of questions.
But what I get was : Nizh-nyyyyy Nov-go-rod?? Huh? Never hear before. Is it in Moscow?
[ya, I'm sure u r an expert in the world geography n u know every country's cities. N duh, u ask me the city name. If I studies in Moscow, I will say Moscow la!]
- So u dun know when it is, so is it relevant if u ask how far from Moscow? 7hours drive. So now, do u know where is it? Will remember where I studies?I dont think so cuz…next year when I see u again, u will ask me the same question.

Sometimes, after I answered “Nizhny Novgorod“, I am so sure the next word they will say is BLASPHEMY! by their expression. I have no idea whatsoever why is that. Anyone?


2) Russia??! Very cold wor there. U can stand the winter or not? Is it cold now(this was asked when I came back from summer)?
- No, I cant stand the cold cuz during winter (arnd -30degrees) cuz I go to class with a blouse n jeans.
[Duh! I know you know that Russia is in the north hemisphera (geography expert mah). N any normal SANE human goin there to live for 6 yrs will know that they need a winter jacket. U think Russians wear nothing izzit n still they can stand the cold. If I dun like the winter, will u sponsor me to a hot place...Bahamas to study for example? If u cant help me with the winter, dun ask. ]
- N for God’s sake, what is summer. Summer? Sun? Hot? Beach?….Of cuz it is not cold in the summer la. Dun assume that Russia’s four seasons are winter, winter, winter, and winter.

3) Do you know how to speak Russian? Can you speak a few sentences out loud now?
- No, I don’t know how to speak Russian. I communicate daily with the Russians with Bahasa Malaysia. [Duh! What do u think I am doing there? Laying eggs ah?]
- If I say, “Вы имеете красивейшие глаза. Я падал в влюбленность с вами. Вы любите меня?.” (You have beautiful eyes. I have fallen in love with u. Do u love me?)….if I say like that to u, do u think u will understand me and feel touched? I dont think so rite.
- What worse is that some people force it out of me…n when I do, they make fun of it n mutilate it kau-kau to some dogs’ language. Yeah, it is so funny to me to watch how stupid u can be.

4) No boyfriend yet ah? So many cute Russian guys there? Bring home one la.
- If I do indeed bring home a russian guy, will u really be happy for me or will u back-stabbed me behind that I’m a slut or I look down at malaysian guys?
Most importantly, will u pay for my parents’ hospitalization due to heart attack?? Nah…I dont think so..rite.

5) Another cold question – So the people there…they drink vodka to keep warm rite?
- Yes, they also drink in the summer when it is hot (maybe keep themselves cold?). They must be freezing their butt off cuz they drank a liter of vodka everytime.
[Duh, what kind of pathetic reason for indulging alcohol is that, rite?]

Ok, I know some of u are concern n curious about my life in Russia. I feel happy too that ppl care about me. But there are some people that really piss me off. They looked down at me but pretend to care. They make fun of my answers as if they know-it-all. Hey, Canada is in the same latitude as Russia (what r latitude, well, u r the geography expert), I never hear anyone asking those Canada’s students whether they can stand the cold wor). Yup, these sickening fake people who think they are all IT but they didnt realise how stupid they are to others. The world doesnt revolve around u, k.

If u r really wants to know more about Nizhny n Russia, I dun mind talking to u at all. I dun mind ur questions but not those above 5 questions. Cuz obviously it wont benefit ur curiousity about Russia. Please. U dun have to feel obliged to ‘know me and my life’ when u see me every year, ok. If u really to know me, I will tell u everything. Friendship starts with a genuine heart.

Note: This post will be in “My LifeLog” category instead of “Rantrantrant” cuz it is my life mah. Woow…I outdone myself today…3 postings in one day. hehe.