A Day to Reflect – Keeping the Faith

Is it me or just that everything arnd me r dull lately? Tomorrow will be 2006 but does it matter meh? Blogs are not so interesting lately….where the blogwars ah? Even funny-man LB r only promoting IKEA n Yvy the teaser just did her disappearing act (luckily she reappear back, if not we will hv to ’search n rescue’ her n then straggle her)

Ok lar,maybe it is just me. Exams coming, my ‘auntie’ coming kua. I dont know whether i’m infected with the so-called writer’s block la….i got alot of ideas but got problems expressing it out. My last post : epiphany…i think it was a good idea but i wrote it horribly. I posted it neway cuz dun care la, my blog mah. Yes, i think i will be bloggin quite in-frequently for the time being due to exams.

Few suprising things happened today. It is the end of the month,n i’m down to my last cents edi. Went to withdraw my monthly allowance. Nothing special about it except that, when i sms-ed my mom telling her i took the money out, she replied that she hasnt bank-in the money yet.Nah, money didnt came down from heaven. But i felt better that one of my problem is solved

Last month, I withdrew my allowance from ATM machine n the transaction failed for some reasons. Later i found out, the money was already debited from my account but i didnt receive any. N Russia’s customer services …u can muntah darah (vomit blood) talking to them. They accused me of forgetting that i took the money n keep on insisting the machine has no fault. Yeah rite….n the earth is flat. Hmmph~N so, after lodging report to the bank in Msia n Russia…i didnt hear any news from them actually but today, i checked my account online n it stated the money was returned few days ago. Woo-hoo! Actually, i dont hv faith i’ll get it back but there is God. Alleluia.

N then, i went to a DVD shop n looking around. N the first movie i saw in the first rack was the movie i’ve been looking for for almost 2 years.When I first saw it, it was around rm30 so i didnt buy. The next time, i searched for it n it just disappeared. Today, not only i found it, it was on discount – onli rm10! Of cuz, I quickly grabbed it N guess wat’s the name of the movie….It is Keeping The Faith

A great comedy love story between a gal, a rabbi and a priest(Gaa!?). Starring Edward Norton (ohhhhh, i just love him. So cute! *drool drool)

About the movie – It was sweer n funny, n i like the concept alot. Something that can happen to us, maybe i’ll reflect on it n maybe blog about it. I’m not goin to gv out the spoilers…go n watch it if u wanna know.

One of my prob is I always think too much of the future that sometimes, i failed to see wat is in front of me. I have alot of faith in my plans, but i never have enough faith about my surrounding n with God. Things that happened today just reminded me again the faith i shud hv.

Quoted from the movie,” I dont learn that much with faith by asking questions. Faith is a feeling, faith is a hunch. A hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all, connecting us all. N that feeling is God”

Indulging Faith_

An Epiphany of Girls in Relationship

As the title stated… well, i hope by the end of this post, i did write something that justify the title.

In one episode of ‘Sex n the City’, Carrie need to know why Mr.Big chose to marry someone else instead of her, when both of them know they hv/had something very strong. She asked n he answered, “it just got so hard, n she’s…”

We have crushes, we have the ’so close, yet..’ n even we have ‘I wan but i dowan’ kinds of relationships. In the end, i wonder about my past – why wasnt it me? Maybe if i let my guard down n make the 1st move, will it work? Or maybe i just try it without thinking too much bout it, havin fun…will it. But i know it wont. But then again, what if i’m wrong? sigh*

Sometimes, i wonder how come some gals can change boyfriends like they change their shoes. Of cuz, i’m sceptical bout their relationship but i see that they r happy. N some gals…great qualities – beautiful, smart, talented, funny n they just cant get a guy. We can reason out that the one hasnt come. Some guys r not worthy of the gal. Bla bla bla. But the end result, lament,lament and maybe emo-blogging.

The way i see it – the epiphany of this is that there r 2 types of gals :- a simple gal n a complicated gal

Simple gal is a gal who is not fussy with criteria -just if he is good bla bla bla then is ok. N they r happy. A complicated gal knows what guy she wants, n she just dowan to take unnecessary risks n get heartbroken. I dont deny i’m one of the complicated gals. N we cant change ourselves, maybe we r born like that.

Since I’m one of the complicated ones, let just focus on this. We work so hard to build ourselves..i mean those girls power/women power. Academics, sports, talents, societies, church fellowship for the christian….anything, u name it, we’r there n good at ‘em. We r independant too. But when come to finding the other half, it is so tough. Maybe we r toking of guys’ egos i dunno but it seem, the more ‘powerful’ a gal is, guys just stay away from her. N in the end, u will see the guys holding hands with some gal who has half the qualities of the former. Maybe in term of finding the other half, guys tend to settle with someone who is available n he can show his masculinity. But guys are born to face challenges (hunting animals for food?), so y is it so tough to take up the challenge of losing his pride n know a ‘complicated’ gal? Once the facade is taken off, gals will always be gals no matter wat.

*sigh
It so tough to be a gal sometimes. We must prove ourselves to the world but in front of guys, we must play a weaker roles. But isnt this abit unfair?

Quoted from the same episode of SATC : Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they’re supposed to run wild until they find someone — just as wild — to run with.

Reflections&Musings_

12 Days Of Christmas

This post from Yvy who got it from sumwhere, really darn farnie n just brighten up my morning
Thanks Yvy n the someone.

Dec. 14, 1995
My Dearest Peter,The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago, and the pear tree sapling came a little while later. I’m not sure of the connection, but I love them.Love always,Dori
**********************
Dec 15, 1995
Dearest Peter,Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your thoughtful gift. They are adorable.All my love,Dori
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Dec. 16, 1995
Dearest Peter,Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you are too kind.Love,Dori
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Dec 17, 1995
Dearest Peter,Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are quite beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,Dori
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Dec. 18, 1995
Dearest Peter,What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings – one for each finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.All my love,Dori
*********************
Dec. 19, 1995
Dear Peter,When I opened the door, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front step. So your back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can’t get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.Cordially,Dori
**************
Dec 20, 1995
Pete,What is it with you and those bloody birds? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of god-damned joke is this? There is bird shit all over my house, and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.Sincerely,Dori
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Dec. 21, 1995
O.K. Buster,I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they brought along their goddamned cows. There is shit all over my lawn, and I can’t move around in my own house.Just lay off me,Dori
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Dec. 22, 1995
Hey Shithead,What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing, and do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.You’ll get yours,Dori
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Dec. 23, 1995
You Rotten P***k,Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why they call these sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m siccing the police in you.One who means it!
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Dec. 24, 1995
Listen D***head,What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied you rotten bastard.
Your sworn enemy,
*************************
Dec. 26, 1995
Dear Sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers. The destruction, of course, was total. All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find a warrant for your arrest.

O.M.G….if THIS didn’t kill you, I don’t know what will!!! I VERY nearly lost my life reading this – I was SO out of breath, laughing my lungs and guts out!! Thank goodness my liquid consumption today was at it’s minimal coz I swear I would have wet my pants

Just4Laughs_

My Printer Adventure…Phew!

My LifeLog_
Finally decided to go n get a multifunction printer aka HP PSC 1410 printer-scanner-copier, after years climbing 7flights of stair to photocopy notes or hunt, beg, threaten(no lah,not so bad) any printer-owner when i need to print something.

So, together with Aze went to this computer store after spending days searching for the best deals among all the stores in Nizhny Novgorod.

Grab a salesman n ask him to give us one…check check…so far so good. Hehe, kinda excited edi.N when we about to pay by card…they DONT ACCEPT CARD!!? Wat kind of computer store dont accept card when the goods they sell is about few hundreds ringgit to a thousand ringgits?

Mak doi…fine. Ask them where the nearest atm machine. Not sure, maybe few blocks away in this service center building. Bracing the snow storm n coldness, we walked there.
Hmmm….this is one of the weird Russian thing. There are 2 ATM machines in this service center building (I dont think ppl go there will need alot of cash) n tarak in a big computer store which also dont accept credit card.
First Mission Accomplished. *Captain, we got the cash.*beep

Went back there, shoved the cash to their face…give us the printer! Our salesman explaining the guarantee, the ink cartride bla bla bla…n suddenly our face changed when he said,” erm, u have to get this USB printer cable so u can connect to ur PC (duh!)” I bought printers or any accesories n none of them required me to buy something extra. There r none in the store, maybe try the nearby store our mr salesman said. Fine.

Next Mission – Hunt For Printer Cable.

Went to nearby store, spend time explaining to them wat we want (prob with language mah)n in the end, tarak!
Took a bus back to hostel, contemplating how to get it…Tah-Da, we could go to the electrical-computer store nearby our hostel. So Aze went to get it while i carried the printer back. It was a choice – either brace the cold n dark, or carry the printer n walk back to hostel.Few minutes later…. Aze called.
Second Mission Accomplished.

While she walking back to hostel, I’m busy setting up the printer. Finger crossed, switch the power button….It’s ALIVE, It’s ALIVE..(mad scientist laughing at the background) Aze is back, time to connect to my laptop n install the driver.

Houston, We Have A Problem – installation halted halfway, couldnt find something something. So strange. Took the disc out, wantin to try it on Aze’s. N there is a deep scratch on the disc! We cant just give up after all the trouble we went thru,rite? Get dressed again, n prepare to brace the cold,snow n darkness. N Aze came up with a brilliant plan, just download the driver from HP website. Download size is 95Mb, cost to download it is RM25. (here, we r charged by the megabytes used, something like prepaid…how i wish streamyass ppl come knocking my door) 15 minutes n RM25 gone Installed the driver, printer can be connected to the laptop.

Third Mission Accomplished. Captain,We Are Ready For Action *beep

Pheww……the amout of time, energy n money spent just for one blawdy printer n this better not give us any problem ah!Time used – whole afternoon n evening.Energy used – need to recharge after posting this aka sleep..Zzzz

Money used – let see; RM523 for printer,RM23 for cable, RM25 to download driver…u do themath, my brain not functioning like normal edi.

Moral of the story : Getting a printer aint easy at all.
*Over and Out* beep*

To Think I’ll Know Better… about Christ

Disclaimer : I dont care what is the consequence of this post, i’m feeling shit n i just want to rant about it. Scorn me, hunt me down n burn me (dont hit my face,tat’s all i’m asking). This ia about the silent torture i endured far too long.

I used to be an atheist ,someone who do not believe in God.
My logic are ” Wat the point of believing in someone, loving them/Him, praying bla bla bla n in the end, r u sure they/Him exist? (I came from a modern-Buddhist family with Christianity influence) The way the world are is times of troubles, u begged for help…times of joys, u praise them/Him..but in between those times, they/Him are forgotten.”

But as I grows, i realize life is not that simple…i got so many questions left unanswered. I felt i was always fighting with Him,refusing Him and his “followers”. Sometimes i wondered whether I was a born devil-follower (too much movies)

Fast forward to the present….i’m a Christian, I go to church, my bestfriend gave me a study-Bible, we have a biblestudy everyweek…all the things i need to grow in Him. But sadly, i keep failing to grow in Him. I hardly touch the bible, only during church,biblestudy n times of troubles. I felt very inferior among my christian friends. Is pathethic that instead of feeling happy, accomplished n feel His presence in church n biblestudy, i felt so depressed n meaningless. I want to just want to forget the whole thing because i cant stand lying to myself.Alot of times, i just feel i dun fit into the fellowship. Alot of times i feel i’m there because my friends are there.

So many times i want to quit the Christianity thingy n go back to my old life. So many times i wish the devil himself tell me to follow him (too much movies hehe).

Christmas is coming, we r organizing a party, everyone is pinching in..all excited about it. Carolling, decorating, feelin the Spirit bla bla bla…and me? Thinking shud i attend it because i feel it be too depressing for me…maybe i’ll do wat i was supposed to do n then leave it, go to my room n maybe blog how pathetic my life is. Really, y shud i go n celebrate..when nobody will notice i’m there. I feel much better celebrating it myself. It is His birthday mah.

Sometimes, deep down i still love Him n want Him more than ever, but it is the church i grow to hate. It was supposed to be warm-loving brotherhood/sisterhood community but it feel like if you are talented in singing/musically-inclined or u r intelligent enuf to intepret the Bible…u r most welcome. If not, u still can come, find something useful n do like sweep the floor. N to think i can seek spiritual refuge in the church n christian fellowship.

N to think tat i’ll know better..of cuz i know He is there, His words speak comfort, seek Him n He will show u the way. But sometimes, we need some comfort among humans, among our brothers n sisters lar. Not being directed to the Book,seek Him bla bla bla…i will do that if i want lar.

No point i keep on rantings…do ppl get it? It is all rose-colored stained window. Those who are in the “community”, they arent the misfits. I AM.

In the end, i feel i just exchanged one pain for another. The pain of being ‘lost’ for the pain of loneliness in a fellowship.

Indulging Faith_

We’re That Blogger

Blogger/Blogosphere_
Found this meme from Centerpide , n trackbacked to lotsa blogger. This is interesting n touching meme…n since i’m in a confessional mood now,i’ll try to do it

“A lot of times i questioned myself, sometimes i lost myself n once in a while, someone will tell that they just dun understand me eventhough they knew for some times”
Sometimes I just want to be myself but it is not easy, situations change, my reality changes.

• I am the 2nd baby born in the family.
• I am the baby who is so chubby my mum like to pinch me cuz it is so irrestible
• I am the baby who cry so soft that my mum mistaken it to be the sound of crows.
• I am the toddler my sis tried to carry me but accidently dropped me down the stairs
• I am the granddaughter who never knew her grandfathers.
• I am the younger sister who always cling to you in kindergartens, in school, in parties.
• I am younger sister who managed to put the blame to you wherever we created a mess.
• I am the daughter who cry everytime you leave me in kindergarten n school.
• I am the daughter who cry everytime you scold me.
• I am daughter who broke your favourite musical box because i like to listen to it n hv to listen to it secreatly in the bathroom.
• I am the girl who prefer to play Lego than Barbies.
• I am the girl who hate to wear dress.
• I am the younger sister who missed the bus n stand outside ur classroom waitin for you to come, crying.
• I am the daughter who backed down last minute during kindergarten concert and whom you spent so much on the costume.
• I am the student whom lots of ppl thought i’m below average n needed special attention, n her dad refused to believe so.
• I am the student who only realize her potential much much later.
• I am the gal who sit alone during recess for a year,scared to approach anyone until a gal came n ask me to join her group.
• I am the friend who always play pranks on her friends.
• I am the friend who just listen to your problems n handing you a tissue.
• I am the friend who can be heartless n selfish at times.
• I’m that friend who sometimes forgot about you when she shouldn’t have.
• I’m that friend who wished she could sometimes help you but she couldn’t.
• I’m that friend who thought she could be a better friend at times.
• I’m that friend who drove you down Batu Ferringhi at 2am in drunk condition cuz u’re havin asthma attack n needed medical attention.
• I’m that friend who forget you when i found a better group of frens n regret it later.
• I’m that friend who never contact you because you are so different n afraid you’ll look down at me.
• I am the gal who started to have crush on you because we sit together in class n we have the same surname.
• I am the gal wishing the boy who look for me in library durin recess will tell me he like me.
• I am the gal who has a crush on you for 4years n getting excited when i get to see you.
• I am the gal who got heartbroken knowing it wont happen.
• I am the gal who was clueless when she started to study in Penang.
• I am the girl who went out with you because you could be nice to experiment as a first.
• I am the ex-gf who keep wanting you to be someone else you’re not.
• I am the ex-gf who broke up with you eventhough you say we can work things out.
• I am the ex-gf who keep on using you to do my chores knowing you will.
• I am the ex-gf who pretend your non-existent when i had enough of you.
• I am that friend who looked at you weirdly when you r trying to be funny n cute.
• I am that friend who wanted to be your friend but was afraid.
• I am that friend who you drove her in your dad’s sportcar to college on my birthday and was so paranoid about leavin it in the parking lots.
• I am that friend who was lost n you brought me to Christ.
• I am that friend who travelled wit you back n fro Russia n fought in an international airport in front of people.
• I am that best friend who cant believe she is ‘best’ enough for you.
• I am that bestfriend who love to accompany you to places, talking to you till 3-4am, eating together, sms-ing you during class to keep you from boredom n ur irritating groupmate.
• I am that bestfriend who fought with you alot of times.
• I am that bestfriend who knows ur most sensitive area.
• I am that bestfriend who sometimes, refused to listen to you.
• I am that bestfriend who make you cry.
• I am that bestfriend who always wait for your sms or calls whenever you are free.
• I am that friend who can make you laugh when you’re depressed.
• I am that friend who wish she is more tactful n can express heself better.
• I am that person who sometimes, do not know what she doing or thinking.
• I am just a girl, a friend, a bestfriend, a gf, an ex-gf….trying to be somebody, but not trying to be somebody else. And everything I have in this world, and all that I’ll ever be, it could all fall down around me, just as long as I have you right here by me.
• I am that blogger.

My December

My December
This is my December.

This is my snow covered home.

This is my December.

This is me alone.

And I…

Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed.

And I…

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that.

And I’d give it all away.

Just to have somewhere to go to.

Give it all away.

To have someone to come home to.

(My December – Linkin Park)

I hv noticed, this is always in my playlist during the month of december. No words needed to express more than there is on how i feel. The end of year, the time to reflect back how my life in 1year. The time to hope for a better year than the year b4. The time to think of resolutions n how to break ‘em(hehe) n the time to squeeze my brain juice n my pocket to buy the perfect gifts to those I love.Right now,as will be the same for the next 3years…i get to spend White Christmas as i always wanted as a child. The envy of my lil’ brother n kid cousins to play with snow, make snowman n etc. That’s one of the irony in my life now…i have my childhood dream fulfilled but i dun get to spend it with those i really love – my family.How i wish i’m back at home…making plans, preparing to celebrate X’mas instead of being here. But that’s life. U can’t it ALL YOUR WAY.

Music Reflections_

Not Another Schizo-Movie!

Knock Knock!Open the door…”here, ur parcel from Malaysia”
Yeah!!…Mum sent me parcel! Woohoo!
* shake shake upside down side-to-side,sniffer dogs to sniff out heroin…*
Passed! Open it! Prrtttttttt….

N the goodies are….books, macaroni&cheese, jelly packets, tepung pulut for Tong Yuen, my spider shirt, my sis’s X’mas present to me (woohoo!) and MOVIES!Now tat’s what i call ENTERTAINMENT! Yeah!My much awaited…..”The Machinist” starring Christian Bale (Batman/Bruce Wayne)…he is so gorgeous n hunky! (read the review b4 orderin it, sound very exciting n suspense)

After 2hours i.e dinner and movie time with Aze and Lav…

AArrGhhhhhh…Not Again! On the verge of contemplating the murder of those filmakers who made this movie. It was a psychological thriller – somekind of twisted plot, something we normal ppl cant think of doing. N it turned to be another psychological schizophrenic movie. Again it is all about some weird-looking guyA at the beginning of the movie is just a plain loser, n then he met a very dynamic,good-looking,charming bla bla guyB. N guyB will lead guyA to do all sort of crazy stuff, making guyA crazy n lost in some world…n the so-called spoiler: the end of the movie is guyB never existed! it is all up in guyA’s head cuz he did some bad things, went thru huge trauma n make up ething! Suspense rite? Nah, not when u have watched this type of plot for 10times in 10 different movies!

Wat so fun about it, mr filmakers? Keep the audience in suspense for almost 1 1/2 hour n in the end, it is just simply the main character is a schizophrenic aka crazy.

The distributers of movie shud really put a warning sign on these movie “it is another schizophrenic movie, if u suspect u r a shizophrenic, dun watch it or u’ll end really believing u r indeed crazy”

So far the schizophrenic-movies i hv watched:
1) Identity – John Cusack, Amanda Peet
2) Memento
3) Fight Club – Edward Norton, Brad Pitt
4) Hide and Seek – Robert DeNiro, that lil’ brat gal dunno wat the name
5) The Pledge
6) Sixth Sense (okok, this is pretty good)
7) The Others – Nicole Kidman
The Machinist – Christian Balen i’m pretty sure there are more and will be more!

These are psychological-thriller that keep u on the edge of the seat:
1) Butterfly Effect – Ashton Kutcher
2) Existence – Jude Law
3) Mystic River
4) Beautiful Mind (cuz we know the main char is a schizophrenic b4 watching it)
5) Forgotten – Julianna Moore
6) Flight Plan – Jodie Foster
7) The Jacket – the guy who act in “The Pianist”

Rantrantrant_