Work-Overwhelmed

Is that even a word? It is now!!! …..lame-o

I learned a lesson today… Never ever agreed with your assistant if she want to stuffed-in dentures cases into your today’s appointment when you are also in charge of outpatient walk-in. In the end, I couldn’t even get a 5 minutes break time.  And they say a dentist’s job is boring.  Well, ever since I started working, it has never been a single day I complained my job is boring. Okok…its only my 3rd month working so far but hey, I got my share of adventures edi.

• Nearly cried on my first day…actually my first 5 minutes in the clinic, facing the boss. Seriously. She is a bitch and dino-dentist should be the one extinct before the real dinos. Come on, I know I graduated from Russia and have to go for an extra year of training…it doesn’t mean I bought my degree and know nothing! And it also doesn’t mean I should have know everything about dentistry! Gimme a break!

• My first time giving a talk about dental healthcare in a school to a bunch of teenagers. And I prepared an English talk, but it turned out….it is a Malay schools, majority Malay students, and speaking English to them is as good as speaking Russian to them! Many thanks to our Education Ministry for that.

• Got into the wrong foot with the pediatric department in my first week. Luckily, my boss is not the type that yell….this is not the dino-bitch, but a nice family-oriented lady boss. But, I am at all cost avoiding peds referring case and hoping they have memory of an elephant.

• Still haven’t immuned to the pitiful cases – those patients that are poor, and their main concern is to earn what little money they have to support their family, thus no dental awareness – coming to the clinic with really really bad problems. And the clinic is quite limited in the range of treatment available. Budgetery concerns unfortunately.

• Every day is an adventure. And challenging. With so many cases seen daily, I hardly seen those standard cases mentioned in the textbooks, and also the very abnormal cases in textbooks. So there are a lot of thinking and improvisation to do. And I’m still learning (it had been my favourite phrase these days) Maybe I’m a little perfectionist in some ways, I always wish I could do a little better here and there, and get frustrated easily when it just wouldn’t turn out perfect. Need to be a little more patient and calm. I think the good dentists are those that are gentle, very patient and calm people….i think?

Ok… I just too tired to go on. Another working day for me tomorrow. sigh….

Random thoughts on a Sunday night

• In Julie & Julia movie, the new blogger started to ‘lose steam’ with blogging, doubting if anyone is reading the blog. I totally understand her when she said, “it is like sending things into this giant void” I have been blogging on-and-off for few years now, and easily discouraged and self-doubt myself with how I write, what I blogged about, etc. Yeah, I know I don’t lead a social butterfly lifestyle or that I’m a good writer… but maybe one day, somebody will stumble into my blogs (and that would be literally one in a million based on the numbers of bloggers here), and like it enough to be my active reader. Like how I am, an active reader of eyeris, minishorts and kamigoroshi, even though they haven’t really been actively blogging these days. I guess, at some point, the real life slowly crowded out incrementally a blogger life.

• I don’t know how or when this blog will end, but I’m hopeful and I have big plans for this blog…mostly borrowing ideas from other blogs e.g. reviews and chickybabes kind. I shoudn’t self-doubt myself, this is who I am and this is what I want to do. Yeah, blogging is a self-absorbed activity.

• One of the activity I want to do right now, is to learn to play a musical instrument; either a guitar or a drum. Especially after listening to Jeremy Camp and Glen Hansard (from the movie Once) A 24 year old gal with no music background, self-suspect tone deaf wanting to learn to play guitar or a drum?? Hmmmm….ok, I’m game for it. Let it be a 2010 challenge.

• Glen Hansard is just amazing. He makes beautiful, honest, emotional-ridden songs with his guitar. And that is one of the reason I want to learn to play guitar…so I can sing his songs (in my own space la) and feel the emotions of the songs.

• The thing about meeting new Christians…frankly speaking can be quite annoying when you just want to be alone but it could also be a good warm surprise when you feel lost in the midst of people. And that is what happened to me. It might take some time for me to totally open up to a new church and new cell group, because I am still bitter from the past experience i.e. the hypocrisy, condescending remarks and the inability to be truthful.

• The phone doesn’t ring that much. I hardly expect to get any calls or messages these days. How a simple thing like a phone could carry so much hidden meaning about a person life? Sometimes I feel so frustrated just by looking at it; I really wanted to throw it to the wall.

A Lazy Sunday’s Post

The thing about being a single girl in a new town on a weekend (it is my 3^rd month in Ipoh after all) is that, you are free to do anything you want, that is if you don’t mind doing it alone. And that is exactly what I did today. Did nothing exciting or got any big surprises …unfortunately, Ipoh doesn’t offer a lot activities.

I planned to attend another church…yeah, suddenly feeling very spiritual here. But 8 o’clock in the morning!? I still couldn’t bring myself to do it especially after staying up late surfing the net and blogging last night.

Speaking of which, why suddenly my P1 Wimax is not working? I left it on in the morning before going out and when I came back, the indicator lights weren’t lighting up anymore. Shit! Now I have to  ‘kacau’ P1 people again tomorrow. I can’t live without my internet especially now that I’m into blogging again.

Ok, where was I? Yeah…woke up in late morning and decided to go furniture hunting. The selection in Courts Mammoth and other big furniture shops wasn’t that fantastic. All looks the same to me especially when one has a limited budget range. And of course, a weekend in Ipoh wouldn’t be complete if you didn’t visit one of the two shopping complex here. I visited both and it wasn’t an enjoyable experience having to fight for parking space with the entire Ipohians (is that the term??)

And finally, the so-called most interesting I did today was walking into “Gladsounds” the Christian bookstore in Ipoh Parade, and the shop assistant is one of the cell members I met few weeks ago! I wanted to buy a new study bible but didn’t find any book I particularly like. In the end, I bought a book ‘Far From Home’ by Joseph M. Stowell and Jeremy Camp’s new album. I wouldn’t say it is the best album so far…its ok but more on that later.

Lastly, spent the night watching Julie & Julia. Pretty good movie, it is after all a Meryl Strepp movie. It is about this 30 year old married woman (Julie Powell) facing quarter life crisis, and finding inspiration and encouragement through blogging and cooking using the recipes from a famous cookbook author (Julia Child). I don’t know if this Julia Child person really exists, I couldn’t check it out online…hhmmph. But if she is really how Merryl Strepp portrayed her to be, I think she must have serotonin overload in her system. She seems to be always happily smiling and talking funny!

That concludes my Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday, hoping it will be a good day and that is my patients don’t come with complicated problems.

Refuse to Forgive.

It was my first time attending church service in Ipoh…actually my first time to a church after a long time. Even though I was still nursing my hangover , something compelled me to go. This is a new year, new city, new everything….and the past is the past. I promised myself and to God that I will get my spiritual life back on track. And I know if I don’t do this today, it will not happen.

So, I drove to Canning Garden Methodist Church. And so far, I had a good time there. The pastor welcomed me, even remember my name. I don’t feel lonely even though I went there myself. But the most important thing that happened was the sermon, and how much it striked me.

“Why are you refusing to forgive?” asked the pastor.

That is the thing I haven’t figure it out. I know I was hurt. I know it took two hands to clap and I know I did mistakes too.  I know I have to forgive in order to move on and be better. I played with this idea for quite some time, reading articles about forgiveness, praying about it. The thing is I’m not ready to. And the road I have taken was this…the person left, moved on….happy with life etc. And this whole time, I was so angry, hurt…broken down to my knees. I was drinking and partying hard. I can’t go to church cuz being in church, I felt so lonely and bitter, I left the CF which I helped to build, and that was my final year. I lost many friends because of that person. And it was all  gone…and I was just barely surviving.  Keep having re-runs of those bad memories in my head, and thinking of what should I say to that person in the future.

And that person came back, telling me craps about her new exciting life. And that the past is the past, she want to start a new friendship with me…to cut the story short…it was always about her and what she want, when she want it. That time it was excruciating to even be near her, and to see how she treated me. Even though I longed for that moment, I realized it was different. It was too late. I was holding on to the wrong things, not that friendship but to the bitterness. There were times I thought she did come back, but she came back to make sure I don’t ruin her reputation or some sort. The final draw and most funny thing I heard was that she forgiven me for things she believed I did wrong to her.

“You made an assumption. You decided I did something. You didn’t ask. You didn’t hang around to talk. You didn’t give me the benefit of doubt. And you left. And now, you came around knowing half truths that slightly confirmed your assumption, and you forgive me??? Just so you know, I can’t forgive you for that.”

I know this..this feeling is killing me inside. But this is all that left in me. I didnt say that to her, instead, I gave in. And I was even more bitter and so angry with myself. I had to sever all ties with her, cutting her off from my life. Of course, she didnt even try to make a appearance again. Deep inside, the friendship was long gone and her attempt was just for her selfish purpose.

So you tell me how should I move on? I don’t even know how to live past it…because the life I’m living now, with that bitterness…that is what keep me going. To be adventurous, meeting new people and to try to do my best in my work. And when I think back about the time I lost, and the chances I missed because of that person, it is my reminder today to be my best and to take risks in my life.

I do want to grow in Christ. Like what the pastor said today…with forgiveness, you also let go of all the bitterness. You will then have space in yourself  to grow spiritually and touching others lives.

That experience really messed me up. I don’t think I am able to face up and forgive. Is it enough to forgive from your heart and prayed to God for forgiveness for not able to forgive in person?

For what I know now…even after feeling the impact of the strong sermon today…the bitterness will always be there….and like a double edged sword; pushing me to excel and pushing me to misery.

Lord, I can’t see clearly and I have been battling with myself over this for quite some time. I desperately want to get better. You have spoken to me today with the sermon. Lord, I pray for Your continues guidance in this and that, I will have the courage and wisdom to do the right thing. Amen.

Crazy Friday Nite, Lousy Satur-day

Why oh why…we have a thing called “hang-over”??

Those who know me, know that I love my whisky. Probably thanks to my dad for teaching me how to enjoy it…definitely thanks to him The slightly bitter after-taste followed by the smoothness down your throat and then finally, burning sensation up to the lungs. And that if you are drinking a really good whisky. And yesterday, I got to try Jack Daniels Single Barrel Silver Select..thanks to my FD came down all the way from Seberang Jaya, but before that, made a stop in Langkawi’s duty-free shop first.

“Made using the exacting standards of Old No. 7 Tennessee Whiskey, Single Barrel is also charcoal mellowed and matured in new charred white-oak barrels. But where Single Barrel rests makes all the difference. Since it’s placed in an area of the barrelhouse where the spirit enjoys a more intense fluctuation within the barrel, what emerges is a unique rich, robust whiskey”

So yesterday, after bringing them out in Ipoh for dinner, we came back to the hotel room and had a crazy night with Mr.Jack Daniels, Mr.Tequila and Mr.Bailey. One lesson learned…never play “blind man’s bluff” with shots of tequilas. It is wayyyy out of our league.

“Everyone is dealt a card face down. Each player must stick it on their forehead without looking at the card. Once everyone has their card (stuck) on their forehead they will start betting on their card. To see if they have the highest. You do not get to exchange it for another card”

Someone ended up drinking 6 shots of tequilas and he just down 3 shots previous round. And I, I don’t really remember what happened…just that it was a crazy fun night!

And Saturday came, driving around Ipoh with a heavy hang-over and a lousy grumpy stomach.  If only drinking came with no side-effects. sigh.

What Hurts The Most (Rascal Flatts)

My stray thoughts (referring to A.Asohan Sunday Star Column “Broken People“)

The lyric of this song never fails to bring back my dark episode, it was the perfect song to describe the state I am…still unfortunately. I know I have to say it out, put it in words at least.

What hurts the most was being so close….and havin’ so much to say….and watchin’ you walk away

And I know that person will never know how I feel or care least about it. And whatever I feel inside towards that person, nobody will ever understand and I shouldn’t even try to make them to.

“Have you ever seen a dog get hit by a car, but walk away? There’s this impact, and you know something terrible has happened to that dog, but it walks away and it doesn’t seem to even realise the implications…’cause it just goes on. But you know that something terrible has happened inside this dog”

Something did happened to me but in the face of this real world, I must be grateful that it wasn’t any of the most terrible thing e.g. physical abuse, war victims, terrible accidents etc. I am grateful.

When I think back of those dark episodes, I think of those fights we went thru and the events that triggered it. The acts of selfishness. The condescending remarks. Those insults. The lies. The broken promises. The hypocrisy. The self-righteousness counter-acts. The physical violence. The tears. Those times I licked my wounds in the corner. And at the end, the abandonment.

And when I think back of that person, I miss the presence. I miss the fun times we had. The endless chats. The movie-nights. The after church lunches. The smses. Those times in the long flights. The dinners. Those precious moments you feel so grateful to ever feel it, even it is doing mundane things. The comfort of knowing there is someone to come back to. Feeling that, I just grew feeling more lonely than ever…now that the person is gone.

What hurts the most??  It was the fact I was completely open and vulnerable to that person. I was there…always there for that person. I was led to believe it was all so different and I was supposed to do more and more for that person. Standing by. Advocate. Fight on the behalf….to the point I have to take few steps behind so that the person won’t feel threatened. And how was I repaid? I was literally driven to the walls.  My self-confidence took a deep plunge down  the abyss and at one point, I did not know how to survive and be myself if that person wasn’t there. Everyone thought I was ill including myself. In the end, that person did leave…came back once in a while just to make sure, hoping I keep my mouth shut from others. I didn’t keep my mouth shut and I wasn’t sorry about it. I do not need your bloody forgiveness. Thank you.

There are times I really want to shout to the world of what u really did to me! Who you really are hidden from your self-righteous holier than thou persona!!! Because it’s bloody hurting my chest!!! To your current partner now….I have been there and your infatuation will be the end of u. You are just a pawn, you can’t possible fill up that huge self-righteous space! And I am fine and I do not need some Echinacea when I was just barring my heart out, expressing my thanks to wonderful people surrounding me. Yeah, I saw that message from your mother.

Sigh.

All I can do now is to shake off that images…n go on with my life. Even if I have to pretend to be okay. But will I one day be okay? N not carry it into my future relationship?

Th columnist wrote, “We shrug off life’s trials and tribulations pretending they have made us stronger, while in effect they may actually be a flaw in the keystone. One day, that’s arch is going to come tumbling down.” If that really happen in the future, how am I going to respond and get myself standing again….carrying another burden called guilt?

That might b the future. But what about now? The impact?? I have to consciously make myself to feel better, to try to communicate with people…consciously be happy so that I won’t be going around like a beaten down pup. Who wants to mix around with someone who is spreading misery around by her face? Consciously avoid thinking about the past. Consciously  avoiding all sorts of contact with the past because I know it will only put me into depression mode and I am still not strong enough to handle it. Even right now, writing this post…I am consciously not dwelling on the past or  my emotions. Just getting the facts out and finding the suitable words to describe it, reasoning it out.

“And for those unthinking people who ignore the consequences of their misdeeds, or falsely believe that they would be redeemed by so-called truisms such as ‘time heals all wounds’, think again. The damage you’ve done to other people may be deeper and darker than you’d like to assume”

 

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend
I’m okay but that’s not what gets me

Chorus:
What hurts the most was/is bein’ so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends
And I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved
In my heart that I left unspoken

A New Year…A New Beginning

 

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.
That will be the beginning.”
Louis L’Amour

That is exactly how I am feeling it now. Not something I am proud of, because to need to have a new beginning you will have to have a past you want to forget. How I wish I have amnesia right now….

2009 was the year I was always “in-between”. Trying to move on from loss of loves ones. Trying to graduate. Saying goodbyes to good friends I will most probably never see again. Trying to survive crisis after crisis. Trying to get a job. Trying to adapt back in my home after 6 years of absence. Trying to adapt in a whole new town, new job, new people around me. Looking back now….it seem like a dream or actually more like a nightmare. It is a wonder that I’m still standing, I hope my sanity covers all the cost. Well, whatever it is, 2009 is over, that’s for sure.

Comes the new year, 2010. I had my fortunes read to me (mind you, I’m a Chinese and am a bit superstitious) I was told that this year will be a good year for me. Everything will run smoothly, no big unexpected crisis ahead of me. I don’t really believe it completely, but to hear it, it is a like the first breathe you take when you come out from water.

And I found my closure, not even a single loose-ends left. It wass painful no doubts but the end is the end. “When we go searching for answers, the answers we get just confirm our WORST fears…but it will make us see things in a WHOLE new WAY”  As I said, to have a new beginning, it also means you have a past you want to forget. But I don’t have amnesia now, and right now, my eyes have finally opened. It was all a painful but dear lesson I have learned. I learned who I am now and I know I can handle what may come without losing myself in the process.

So this is a whole new blog. My journal of my journey. I still don’t see clearly my destination, but with God beside me…I know I won’t be lost again. I’m looking through my window, the beautiful scenery of Ipoh valley…it is a beautiful day, a perfect day to feel optimistic about a new beginning. 

Stay tuned